Snippets of Livi

The last post took a long time to publish, just because it was painful to write, and read.  Now that I am leaving on vacation I realize I have a lot to catch up on and if I don't write about it now then when I go to make my photo album the pages will just have "Ella's Birthday" and "Ella's Baptism" with no description. So now it is crunch time.

Day 10: Describe your most embarrassing moment.
Too many to pick one.  I honestly can't think of one that I am willing to share.  Generally anything to do with bodily functions, noses, or throw up are high on the list.  The after effects of child bearing also are pretty high up there.  Also anytime I open my mouth to comment.  Enough said.

 Onto some random Livi moments:

Every (well most) Wednesdays I helped in Ethan's classroom getting all the handouts/homework/assignments into their folders to take home.  Livi got VERY bored but towards the end of the year loved being in charge of the handouts.  She would make little stacks and hand them to me when I was ready.  She took it very seriously and was fun to watch.

 Livi's class got to go on yet another field trip, and this time it was one I loved.  They went to her classmate, Lindsey, parent's stables where they train horses for shows.  Lindsey, only 4 was there showing some of the tricks she can do on her own horse.  It was heaven.

 They did get to sit on a horse for pictures, but no riding.  Livi and I both hope she can join our horse back riding in Canada this year (on a horse being led, of course, and maybe wearing a helmet...and elbow pads...and a low jack).

 I was checking out at Walmart, looked up and couldn't find Livi.  I finally found her:

 It must be a genetic female thing.

Crazy Pills, Blowing Up At The Pinewood Derby, and Day 9

Day 9: What defines you? 
Victory of the people who make oaths with God. (points to whoever figures that out).

*Long Intro To Short Story* 
Honestly nothing "defines" me.  If it there is anything that defines me it is my dislike of being defined.  I am not something to be categorized and labeled.  I just am.  Some days I get a little tired of explaining myself.  I understand I do not really click with a lot of people in my ward, or the other ward, but some days I just get tired of not clicking.  Some days I do just want to be defined.

Since I went on the new meds I gained 20 pounds in 4 months.  I lost 20 pounds last year after spending 3 1/2 years putting it on after Livi was born.  20 pounds in 4 months is not fun, especially when the last 6 weeks of it you exercise 5 days a week and are staying religiously on Weight Watchers, but you still gain 2 pounds.  I have never had trouble loosing weight, and it actually took a long time to gain it in the first place, so it has not been easy, emotionally, to not fit into any of my clothes.  I have been wearing sweat pants and t-shirts because I have nothing else to wear.

Feeling so low about my physical self probably hasn't helped my mood, and since the only thing different in the last 4 months was my meds my doctor decided I should stop them so I didn't gain anymore.  That probably didn't help my mood much, and of course, in the middle of everything we had the pinewood derby.

Normally I dont give a fig about what other people think about me.  I wear Ewok and Monty Python T-Shirts under my blazers, put color stripes in my hair, spend hours on ridiculous hobbies, and fight constantly against the over powering "cool" Stott genes to try and make my kids as nerdy (or at least nerd friendly) as possible.  Last year I made a giant high-heel derby car for fun.  It was horribly slow, but if it was real I would wear it in a heart beat, and every kid there had a car they could beat.  It was a win/win/win.  The problem was that there are certain children and adults that feel the need to point out how stupid/ugly/dumb my idea was.

This year I wanted to do another fun car that everyone could beat and I started thinking about what would be *me*,  After a while I came up with the perfect concept, but being a little fragile, everytime I would screw up I would cry and think about all the snide comments I would be getting about my little fun car, no matter how well executed it was.

Over and over I could hear them in my head making fun of me.  It shouldn't matter.  It doesn't matter, but I just couldn't face it one more time, so when the wheels broke as I was putting them on, I did what every mature, rational woman does, and through a tantrum and broke apart the car and threw it in the trash.

I'm not sure when the last time I cried that hard was, but it was one of those ugly, snot cries.  It wasn't just the car, it was me.  I am broken.  I don't know what to do about it anymore, but the car represented how hard I am trying and failing at life.  I just couldn't try anymore.

In the morning Eric was already gone, helping some friend brand and geld their cattle (because that is what friends do here), but when I woke up with a monster cry-induced hangover I found my car on the counter with the wheels fixed.  Eric had stayed up and fixed it for me.  Trying to be brave, I fixed the rest of it and set off to the pinewood derby with the kids.

On the way there I texted this photo to my family with the caption "Who can guess what my pinewood derby car is?"

I got lots of fun guesses like "Log Cabin, "Primitive Tardis," "Abe Lincoln's Camper," and "Pine Wood Derby Car."  When I gave the clues it would have a head, and the real one has wheels too, the ideas got better, including my favorite "Alby the Racist Dragon."  None of them were right.  It was, of course:

The Trojan Rabbit!!!! - from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail.  Duh

My family's response was so funny and wonderful that it gave me the courage to rebuild the car.  "I think my family thinks I'm cool," is my new mantra.  There were rude comments.  Some adults and kids made some very rude comments, but the thing is, when I'm off my meds I call them on it.  I told one adult and at least 4 kids "How do you think your comments make me feel?  Do you think that makes me happy to hear that?"  All the kids apologized.

Back to the important parts:

The kids designed their own cars.  Eric gave them a paper with a block on it and they drew the lines they wanted.  Eric cut them out the best he could, and then we sat down to paint.  Everyone painted their own cars (Livi did have a little help cleaning up a few lines, but that's it). 

The boys were very anxious about how their cars would do.

 I am always amazed at what bad sports the parents are.  You would think more was at stake than a piece of paper. I had three dads come up to check and make sure we were putting their cars on the track right.  One even said we had ruined their car by racing it...ummm... Wasn't the point to race the cars???

Livi did have a car racing, but she and Carter had more fun with the ipad.

Livi ended up getting 3rd place in the open class which includes the top 4 cars from the scout's race. She also received the award for the car "Most Likely To Give You A Hug."

 Ella received the award for "Best Paint Design." (not to be confused with Best Paint Job.  Hers had lots of "design" on it.

 Ethan got 5th out of the 18 scouts, so he didn't qualify for the open class, but he did get the award for "Most Patriotic Paint Job" (it was red, white, and blue). Honestly probably could have gotten zero awards and he would be happy since he was more excited about the root-beer floats.

All our "beautiful" cars lined up.

 

Here is the Trojan Rabbit in action, doing exactly what it was meant to: Looking Cool and Racing Slow!

 

Passions and Personality

Day 8: What are 3 passions you have?

Right now I don't feel like I have an passions.  In the past I have had several so I will relate three of those.

1. Piano.  There is something about playing the piano.  You can express happiness, despair, love, hate, energy, or even lethargy all with the same instrument.  I can get lost in the music as I play, and I can put sound to my feelings.

2. Dance.  I didn't get to do as much formal dance training as I would have liked, but I did pick it back up in college and take dance almost every semester.  Dance is like piano, but instead of sound, it is with movement.  You can also express, and even feel  someone else's emotion with both, which is beautiful.

3. Books.  See post about dream job.

At school Ella's class made personality maps (or something like that).  They wrote their names in the middle and then surrounded it with things that made up their personality, likes, or feelings.  I loved Ella's and was so glad she thought of so many things that make her who she is!

What Happened To "Dreams Really Do Come True"?????? or Day 7

One thing I have hated, probably because it has always bugged my mom, is the saying in classrooms/movies/books/tv shows "You can be anything you want to be."  No, no you can't.  I could never be a gymnast because I am 5'10" tall and it more difficult to lug that frame around parallel bars.  Julia couldn't be a run way model at fashion week because she is short (not that she isn't pretty enough).  Not every child has the potential to be President.  If you have a 90 IQ you aren't going to grow up to be a neurosurgeon.  There are limitation put on us by genetics, sorry.

Having said that I feel a little bit like I have missed out on the dreams I did have that were possible so Day 7 is a little on the sad side for me.

Day 7: What is your dream job, and why?

I would love to be a book reviewer.  I could never be an editor because it has certainly been drilled into my head that I suck at writing/spelling/grammar/English in general.  I am not creative enough to write my own book plus...see the sentence before.  But....I LOVE to read.  I read all the time, always before bed, and I go through books quickly.  I power read.  It is not uncommon for me to go through 2 books a week (unless I am in funk, like now, then it takes me longer because I don't feel like doing anything but laying around).

Books at the side of my bed waiting to be read.

I have read so many books I don't think I could come within 1,000 if I guesstimated.  I have books in every room of our house except the guest bathroom.  I have 11 bookcases, plus shelves all around my house bursting with books.  This would be silly, but I also love to reread books.  There is always something I missed, or that makes more sense the second time around (or 3rd or 4th or 5th time).  Having read so many I feel like I have a pretty wide and varied idea of what makes a good book.  There are books where 3 chapters in I know it is a stinker, but I always finish because I hate to leave a story un-ended.

Some of my favorite books.

I would LOVE to be able to read a book, give my opinion of it, and get paid to do it.  There is honestly no other profession I would love more!

Some of my other favorite books.

In real life: Livi recently got to pick out a toy for allowance, for doing chores (because she still thinks a nickel is worth more than a dime because it is bigger) which we do about ever 6 weeks or so and normally it is something small like a chap stick.  This time I let her get something a little bigger and she picked out a puppy thingy.  It barks and moves a little and she LOVES it.

She wanted a picture with "both her puppies."

Tonks went on the couch to keep a look out for menacing kitties, so Livi and her puppy had to do it too.

I Agree With James - Diamonds or Day 6

Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Easily becoming a mom.  Most people complained of all the adjustments they had to make when they got married.  They would talk about how hard it was and how it took time to get use to it.  Not me.  I loved being married.  It was just like dating, but we never had to say goodbye at night.  I never felt the angst of trying to merge two lives.  We made a pretty smooth transition.

Becoming a mom?  My whole life changed overnight.  Well, really over the morning since Ethan was born in the early afternoon.  I had an unexpected C-section, and I went from being in college classes with lots of adult interaction to staying at home, with no adult interaction, and a constantly crying baby.  No matter what I did Ethan was never happy.  I felt I had failed at being a mom. Not too surprisingly I developed postpartum depression (depression, not blues), and my life has never been the same.

I am so grateful for my 3 beautiful kids, but having kids is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done.

Good thing they grow up.  They may have been the hardest babies I have ever met, but they sure turned into great kids!

The Memory, And Bulk (in words) Of An Elephant, or a Project and Day 5

A couple of years ago I was wandering through our JoAnn, which basically means I stood in the doorway and looked along all 9 square feet of floor space.  I noticed what I thought were the most perfect Easter baskets.  Not floppy, big enough for a box of peeps, ribbon and even a fabric liner to class it up.  The only problem was I was pregnant with #3 and didn't know if it was a boy or a girl yet.

I got a blue one for Ethan, a pink one for Ella and yellow, which I assumed, wrongly, would be good no matter if it was a boy or a girl.  Since I thought it was a boy I was doubley sure it would be fine.  Livi came along, and for 3 years it was fine.  Last year she noticed that Ethan had a favorite color, Ella had a favorite color, and she had YELLOW.  Nuclear blow out occured, and I promised that the next year (this year) we would paint it purple.  Who would have guessed a 3 year old had the memory of an elephant? 5 days before Easter she reminded me of that promise.

My first attempt at painting.  Ever tried to paint wicker with acrylic paint? I soon went out and bought spray paint.

Ahhhhh, much better.

Since I am my father's daughter I couldn't stop there.  I undid the lining to make a pattern, let Livi pick out some fabric and made a new one.

Voila

The finished product.

Everyone is happy...for now...until the next catastrophe.

Onto Day 5: What are the 5 things that make you happiest right now?

1.My husband, kids, parents, siblings, etc.  They are what makes my life worth living. 

The rest of these I am going to go with the things that make me happy in the moment. The fleeting happiness, rather than true joy.  Because I can.  Because I can show a funny videos and great pair of shoes.

2. Shoes...shocker.  I have found that I don't feel totally dressed up without a great pair of shoes.  For years I tried only to find the flattest shoes I possibly could, sometimes wearing ballet slippers to church dances, just so I wouldn't tower over the boys.  Eric and other tall boys were too busy dating 5'1' tiny blonds, so I was stuck with the 5'11' boys who were shorter than me if we stood on an incline.  When I started dating Eric I bought my first pair of heels.  I still have them because they symbolize so much to me.  I was still pretty close in height to Eric wearing them, but he helped me gain the confidence I needed to not care.  I have since let this freedom get a little too free, but nothing feels better when I am getting dressed than a great pair of shoes.

I know, right? These are my latest "bankruptcy shoes".  Not because they cost a ton and we will go into bankruptcy.  I do all the bankruptcies for Eric and after doing 5 I bought myself this awesome pair of shoes!

3.Seeing in my Hulu queue a new episode of favorite shows.  I love it when there is New Girl, Community, Parks and Rec, but mostly Supernatural.  Is it dumb that a 32 year old likes a show based on monsters and cute boys, on the teen channel? No, no it is not.

4. Snow.  Two weeks ago we had a great snow storm.  The kind where the lights flicker, a fire in the fireplace is a must, and the kids get two days off from school.  It is almost magic to wake up, see the snow all over, and have the kids happy to be home.  Well, the first day was magic.  By the end of day 2 I was ready for them to get back to their "important educations".
We don't have hills in Nebraska, so this is about as much sledding as they will ever get!

5. The silly things Tonks does.  When Eric said he thought getting a dog might be a good therapy for me he was right (although maybe I said that, because it certainly was brilliant).  I cannot NOT smile when I look at her.  She is just so loving, small, fluffy, and kind of silly.

She likes to sit like she is people.

The Squeaky Wheel, My Town Is Probably Haunted and Day 4

I thought I wrote about my "squeakiness" during December but I went back and couldn't find it to link to so I will recap:
In December they switched my depression medicine to an anti-anxiety/depression medicine.  I'd been having panic attacks and things weren't good.  When you are transitioning there is a time where the old meds are gone from your body, but the new ones haven't been in there long enough to be effective.  One problem I have that gets worse when I am not on the meds is I complain.  Not "oh, poor me," (although I do that too), but go up to managers, call comment phone numbers on the back of trucks, and pick fights about greeting card prices.

One of many times I complained was at McDonald's.  Our McDonald's has been remodeled every two years since we have lived here.  This time they put in a line that splits into two to order.  Someone CUT THE LINE, so I stuck my head out the window and yelled at the top of my lungs "THERE IS ONE LINE!  ONE LINE!"  Spooked Livi, wrote to McDonald's to complain, talked to the manager,and...

they fixed it :

Too bad they can't fix the drivers in town.

 On a totally different note (and day) I was driving my kids to the bakery (yay, good parenting), and Ella points out the window and yells "The Tower of Terror!"  If it was about 5 stories taller, half destroyed by lightening and had a cool sign on the front, I could see it.

Day 4: List 5 things you would tell your 16 year-old self if you could.

Wow.  My 16 year old self was pretty annoying so there is a lot I would say, but probably not a lot she would listen to. Plus our family recently got in a whole big discussion about time travel and paradoxes so I would have to write it all down and give it to someone else to give to me, so I wouldn't cease to exist or blow up the universe, so she would probably believe it even less.

#1 Just because your boyfriend tells you no other guys would like you doesn't make it true.
#2 If you just studied 1/3 as much as you will in college you could get straight A's and an awesome scholarship.
#3 Don't go into education in college.  You will like it, but never want to do it.
#4 You are prettier than you think.  Enjoy this body because in 6 years you will have a C-section, sorry.
#5 You know #2 on the Volleyball team that is totally hot and is the whole reason you go to volleyball games? Yeah, you are totally going to marry him.

Eric's Birthday, and Because We Are Over Thirty And Our Birthdays Really Aren't That Exciting: Day 3

Eric turned 34 this year and for some reason every time I saw a calendar and saw the decorations (for Palm Sunday) on his birthday I thought Easter was on his birthday.  It was 2 days before Sunday when I finally realized I had a whole other week to prepare for Easter.  Luckily I was on top of things for Eric's birthday too (which at this point in my year is a miracle).

Even though we have Church at 9:00am the kids were so excited to give Eric his presents I was somehow pushed out of bed a little before 7:00.

Our ever helpful kids.  I think Eric actually got to unwrap a few of his own presents this year.

Eric picked Scotch Bars for his cake.  Mine always turn out sunken in and flatter than his mom's, probably because I add twice as many chocolate chips.  Eric asks why I think recipes always need more chocolate chips than called for and I say to that "Because they are CHOCOLATE chips.  What doesn't need more of them?" I would add more chocolate chips to my bath if my tub worked.

Day 3:  What is the greatest amount of physical pain you have ever endured?

Ha ha ha.  It wasn't all that hard to pick one instance, which is kind of amazing considering I have had 3 C-sections, a gallbladder removed after two years of painful attacks and an appendix removed.  If you combined all of those, added in painful knees and a Chupacabra you would almost the amount of pain of Viral Meningitis.  Almost.

I won't go on and whine about it, but I honestly thought (and then wished) I was going to die.  The worst is when medical personnel tell you it isn't that bad, you probably have a migraine, so you feel stupid for even coming in.  At least the 6th test out of 6 said I wasn't making it all up and that I did indeed have meningitis.

I'm Only 95% Crazy! or Day 2

I wrote this whole long post about how great it was to learn about Misophonia and indirectly Hyperacusis from my cousin Megan.  How it felt so great to feel a little less guilty about hating the sound of eating (and whistling, and the TV, and other everyday noises) because it is a neurological condition that you can't help.  But then I talked to my Mom and told her about how excited I was to learn about it, that I felt like a little less horrible of a person.  Then she said "yep, you get easily annoyed with sound." Well... I guess I can go back to feeling like a meanie headed jerk.

Day 2:

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and describe how they became fears.

See James' post about "legitimate."

#1: Being trapped in my own head.  There is almost nothing I fear more than being completely unable to move but being aware of everything around me.  I think mostly it would be because I wouldn't be able to argue or correct people when they are wrong. I'm not sure how I got this fear, but I have had panic attacks just thinking about this (literally).

#2: The death of a child (or Eric).  It is not fair to have a fear that grows exponentially as you increase the amount you love.

#3: Snakes, Sharks, Lightening, and now, thanks to Eric, climbing Mount Everest. Basically anything that is HIGHLY unlikely to happen but if it does then you die a horrible, gruesome death (and then a Yeti eats your carcass).

On a different note, a slice of my life with Livi:

She wanted to eat all my peeps (not people, the marshmallow candy), but being a favorite I told her I didn't want to give her some and then have her only eat one and then waste the rest. She promised she would eat them all, then one minute later 4 bunny peeps were handed back to me. She then said "Mom, peeps look little on the outside but then they get bigger in my tummy...like the TARDIS."  Hard to get mad while laughing so hard I am crying.

Meeting her friend at Walmart who just got a baby brother Livi was explaining to the girl that we don't have a baby.  She then further explained "there isn't a baby in there.  It only looks like there is a baby in her tummy" while patting my stomach.  Not so much laughing and a little more crying with that one.

Just Call Me A Copy Cat, or I am about to be a hypocrite

In Junior High I got a brand new outfit from the "trendy" store.  Unlike some siblings who will not be named, new clothes were not that often an occurrence for me, especially when I was that young.  I was so proud, I felt so cool when I wore that brand new outfit to school.  The next day my friend was wearing literally the same outfit.  She had gone out the night before and bought it after seeing mine.  I know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, blah blah blah, but is it so hard to see a good idea and make it your own?  It was the 90's, the time of uber coordination.  It was part of a group of clothes that she could have picked from for a similar look, but no, she got the exact same pieces.  It took away part of the specialness of the outfit.  I have hated copy-cats ever since.  I know it was stupid to feel that way, and the truly sad thing is that I never grew out of it.  As stupid and as juvenile as it is, I still HATE copy-cats.  I don't mind similar takes on things, but when it is 100% exactly what I have done/worn/played/said I just can't take it (unless asked ahead of time and credited).

Having said that I am about to be a jerk myself.  James recently has been posting the most interesting posts on his blog.  He is doing the 30 day writing challenge that Julia did a while ago.  Her posts were interesting in a way I could never achieve also. I know that nothing I write will be that engaging, but since I am not naive enough to think anyone but my mom and I will find this interesting I thought I would give it a try.  Also I find myself closing off from the world around me again, and I think it might help me at least take my mind in a different direction.

Here is my copy-copy cat post:

Day 1: List 10 Random Facts About Yourself.

1. I love houses.  It is not just when I need a house, or when I want to buy a new one, I just love houses.  Anywhere Eric and I have ever talked about ending up I have found a house, or many houses, in which I could picture my family living.  I love the different styles, the different vibe of each city, the way the yards are landscaped differently.  I love to peek in people's houses with the pictures from listed houses.  It isn't just the houses themselves though.  I love to know the "good" places to live, in the best neighborhoods and best schools.  It is a weird hobby, but I can't pass up a book with house plans at a bookstore, even if I do seem to have 200 rainforest trees on my shelf in the form of pictures of houses I will never live in.

2. One of my favorite college classes was Theater Makeup.  I wish I had kept going with it. My favorite day was the one where we had to age ourselves to our 80's.  I am not going to look very good in 50 years.

3. I wanted to go to culinary school or become a lawyer.  I cook everyday, and I am entrenched in the legal world, but it isn't the same.  It is like building a ship in a bottle instead of sailing on a real ship.

4. My dream car is a 1959 VW Beetle (or really any of the 50's or '37-'39).  Eric has strong feelings against this wish since they are basically as strong as a tin can in an accident.  The new Beetles have a more classic design, so maybe I could talk him into one of those some day...

5. I hate fish.  All fish.

6. I love teaching, but would never teach in a regular classroom.  I love the kids, I love the actual teaching, I HATE the parents.

7. I hate Miami.  Unless a loved one is dying and the only chance they have to survive is in Miami I will never go back.  It is a dirty, dirty, dirty city.  The people aren't nice, and there are cockroaches the size of my dog.  Orlando is about the only place in Florida I will ever go again, the rest they can just saw off and let float away.

8. I love to exercise.  I also love to eat, which is why I am still overweight, but I really do enjoy exercising.  Now that my knees have stopped hurting (after 2 very painful years) I have gotten back in the habit, and I love the feeling of working my muscles and the energy I have afterwards (until 7 that night when I am falling asleep reading to Livi).

9. When I was a child I had a My Little Pony collection.  My Grandpa Bud used to buy them for me all the time and I think they were the majority of my birthday and Christmas presents for a while.  When I was a teenager and my mom made me finally go through them to get rid of the them she said I could keep 50.  I had to give away 200.  No joke. Yes, I had this set:

10. I hate the sound of people eating.  Most nights I try to take my time eating just to keep my mind from hearing everyone else around the table chewing, slurping, and swallowing.  It is truly the sound(s) I have the hardest time listening to.  Yes, worse than fingernails on a chalkboard.